Ever wonder what happened to bigfoot? It was a big issue in the 70's issue for those readers old enough to remember.
Bigfoot sightings are being cataloged by a research org.
For a great reminder of why I don't do drugs, I'll quote Shawson's diary:
"7.17.2002
I had my SECOND drug-type flashback in a week tonight, and my third in history. It frightened me out of my wits for the brief second it lasted. I walked in the house, and I as soon as I reached the junction where my foyer meets the kitchen, I thought I saw a fellow lying on the floor sorting through LP's and another man sharpening his knife above the sink and I was assaulted with the thought "the glint of the knife is so much brighter and more terrifying than the sink's stainless steel- brightness is terrible- oh my God I am going to die."
The figures promptly disappeared.
If I can resist, I will do more than stay away from drugs for the summer. I will never touch them again."
Lord knows enough of my friends have taken the purity test already. Just thought I'd post my score for all to see so it can be referenced at future parties: 63.2%. The average is 63.94% posted at 8:38 PM
Chinese Portraits
This isn't much different from much of what's floating around on the web about defining ourselves based on how we answer random assortment of questions (i.e. "What am I listening to?" "What Star Wars character am I?) Someday, some sociologist is going to get their PhD and a hefty book tour studying this phenomenon. Maybe I'll speculate in a future post but in the meantime, I like the term "Chinese Portrait." Sounds classy. It's easy to do, swipe, and e-mail to all your friends (if so inclined.) So here goes:
Nature If I was one of the four elements (earth, air, fire, water): Air If I was a season (winter, spring, summer, fall): Fall If I was a weather pattern or phenomena: The calm before the storm If I was a natural disaster: Tornado in a trailer park
If I was an animal: Kangaroo If I was a fish: Shrimp Cocktail on sale at Red Lobster If I was an insect: Firefly
If I was a celestial body or phenomena: Aurora Borealis If I was a natural object: Niagra Falls If I was a plant (A flower; a tree): Boxwood hedge in a garden maze
If I was a liquid / gas / solid: Fog If I was a metal: Mercury If I was a type of energy: Lightning
People If I was a famous historical human being: Robespierre If I was a current living celebrity: Alan Rickman
If I was a fictional / mythological character: Icarus If I was a mythological creature / beast: A Muse If I was a fictional supernatural character / race: Vannevar Thomas If I was a god / goddess: Prometheus
Things If I was a human bodily function: Sleep If I were part of the human body: Brain If I was a human emotion: Scorn If I was one of the five senses: Sight
If I was a monument (famous or general): The Bastille If I was a place / location (famous or general): Louie's Bookstore Cafe
If I was a man-made object: Crushed Red Velvet Fabric If I was a tool: A Rental Car If I were a color: Purple
...that I've visited...in order of "whammy" factor:
1. Waimanalo Beach, Hawaii
2. Moundville, Alabama
3. Mount Rainer, Washington
4. Cripta dei Cappuccini, Rome, Italy
5. Church of St. John the Divine, NYC
6. Pigeon Forge, Tennesse
7. I-40 Eastbound, Arizona
8. Mammoth Cave, Kentucky
9. Shenandoah Mountains, Virginia
10. (hasn't been filled yet)
It's hard to believe that it's been just over a month since I completed my cross-country drive. On Friday, June 14th, after I completed class, I sat in the rental car in a deserted parking lot in East Seattle that had a 'lovely' view of the shipping docks, and a field filled with goose shit. To the side was a mammoth iron sculpture of the hull struts of a ship rusted a nice rancid orange. The bare bones skeleton was apropros of the shipyard which seemed deserted and barren.
I was finishing Eucken's book on the History of Human Philosophy, a 500+ page tome and surefire cure for insomnia. I still believe that nothing productive, philosophically speaking, has been advanced since the 19th century. Pure heresy, I know, but it seems that all the arts, not just philosophy, have become so estranged from their audience as to be almost meaningless. Perhaps the attitudinal sea-change of the past year will change that.
Anyway, Eucken's book was the last on my reading list and I was plowing through it in order to avoid Seattle's rush hour traffic before trying to make the drive south to Portland. I was trying to reach Portland, so I could scratch Oregon off the list of states I needed to visit to get all 50. My plan was to do this, party in Portland, drive back that same night and still be up in time for my 8am class the next day.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Seattle/Tacoma area, most of the development in Washington state huddles around the bay and so to get anywhere, everyone at one point will need to merge on the north-south highway that runs between Vancouver and Portland. Right now it's a mess, and it's only going to get worse. (It gives me a small stab of satisfaction to know that yes, those West Coasters may have beautiful natural surroundings, but their traffic is horrid beyond belief.)
Up until this point, I had yet to see the much talked-about Mount Rainer. (You may remember hearing about it in the news 6 weeks ago - with hikers trapped on the mountainside who had to be rescued by helicopter - and then the helicopter crashed.) So anyway, I'm cresting the top of the hill and my eyes about pop out of my socket. Mount Rainer isn't big, its enormous. Even that word doesn't do it justice. When you look at Mt. Rainer on a road map it's a huge blot, the size of Rhode Island. Actually seeing it in person.....it was like the spaceship in Independence Day. It was like how scientists describe Olympus Mons on Mars. For a moment, I thought visibility had cleared and that I was looking at a mountain range several hundred miles away.
I remembered watching the movie "Lost Horizon" on TV as a child, about the search for Shangri-La, the place of perfection, with the hero struggling through the windswept snowdrifts of the Himalayas. I also remembered watching "In Search Of", when Leonard Nimoy narrated the search for a mountain big enough to rise above the waters of the Great Flood and where Noah's Ark came to rest. And I couldn't help thinking back to my courses in college about Buddhism and the concept of "holy mountains."
Mount Rainer blew all these other mountains away. I swear, I took one look at that massive thing and the first thing that came to mind is "Heaven has got to be at the top of that thing." And I'm not prone to schmaltzy religious sentiment.
I've done a search on-line and Rainer isn't listed among the holy mountains of the world in any tradition (correct me if I'm wrong). I've seen pictures of the great mountains of the world, and Rainer blows them all away. Probably because it stands alone rather than as a peak within a chain or equally massive mountains.
So if you're looking to add a dash of religious inspiration to your life, I highly recommend Mt. Rainer. (I'll post a full list of my recommendations later.)
In comparison, Mount St. Helens was a bit of a disappointment -- probably because most of it is currently residing in the atmosphere or the top one inch of soil for 500 miles around. posted at 5:33 PM
Washed Up On Shore
This and this were just odd. Proving that there's room for every niche in the audience and that people who call my point of view "weird" really have no concept of the word. I got two mentions (that I saw) on blogger.com last night which resulted in 2 strangers stopping in for less than 2 seconds. I'm famous, baby! Who-hoo!
For links to that latest quizzes you might possibly want, click here.
Here are the results from two that I took. I'm particulary concerned about being lumped in with mainline protestantism.
The C-3PO thing is dead-on for anyone who knows me well.
According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants. What do you believe? Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION
(I've got to find a better place to put this since it's so huge, but in the meantime, here goes:)
Thou shalt not wear two inch cork sandal heels anywhere other than a beach.
Thou shalt not carry more than two bags
Thou shalt not get on the train and park your butt right inside the entranceway blocking all other boarding passengers
Thou shalt exit and step slightly to the side if you're standing near the door but not exiting the train.. Reboard when all outgoing passengers have exited.
Thou shalt only stand on the right side of the escalator.
Thou shalt not cut in front of the elderly or disabled.
Thou shalt offer your seat for the elderly and disabled.
Thou shalt not cut in front of the elderly and disabled in queues.
Thou shalt not carry your bag on your shoulder in cramped quarters. Put them on the floor.
Thou shalt not hold cell phone conversations in public. Take it outside or away from the crowd.
Thou shalt not wear heels higher than one inch when travelling through the METRO system. Ever.
Thou shalt not charge in front of other passengers if unnable to maintain a rapid walking speed.
Thou shalt not pretend to be clueless or blind in order to avoid having to make room for other passengers.
Thou shalt not sit on the aisle seat and defend the empty window seat as your personal property.
Thou shalt not pretend to be deaf or blind when others ask to sit in the empty window seat.
Thou shalt get thy lazy ass up when making way for a passenger moving into or out of the window seat if thou art in the aisle seat.
Thou shalt not lean against the handrails. Thou art permitted no more than two handholds, not an ass, back and shoulder's worth.
Thou shalt not use the bus and METRO system as a moving service. If you can't carry it unaided in one trip, don't bring it into the system.
Thou shalt make way for faster passengers.
Thou shalt move to the right when in doubt.
Thou shalt not stop at the bottom of escalators. The automatic stairs are bringing other people right behind you.
Thou shalt move to the center of the train. So you're inconvenienced by having to walk a few extra steps. Big deal.
Thou shalt not swing your arm or hand more than 6 inches from your body.
Thou shalt always walk in a straight line and turn as closely to 90 degree angles as possible. No wandering!
Thou shalt have your fare ready before approaching the gate.
Thou shalt not block traffic digging through your bag/pockets looking for change or card.
If the turnstile cannot process your fare, step aside and reattempt when the flow of traffic has slowed.
Thou shalt have full fare on thy Metrocard before approaching the gate.
Order of boarding the bus is as follows: disabled, elderly, follwed by whoever arrived first, second, etc.
Thou shalt not attempt to insert your genitalia into the anus of the passenger in front of you while waiting in line for the bus. Observe half an armlength of space at minimum.
Thou shalt not share your mental ravings with the passengers around you.
Thou shalt observe the inner voice/outer voice rule at all times.
Thou shalt not crank the volume on your headphones so high than it can be heard several seats away.
Thou shalt not sing, hum or tap while listening to music.
Thou shalt cover thy mouth when sneezing, coughing and/or yawning.
Thou shalt cover thy mouth when sneezing or coughing with the left hand - leaving the right hand germ free for transit use.
Thou shalt take thy trash with thee at all times and deposit it in the nearest recepticle.
Thou shalt not walk more than 2 abreast at any time.
Thou shalt never stand and block traffic on a crowded platform.
Thou shalt always stand to the far left and right of the METRO doors when passengers are exiting. The faster they exit, the faster you board (idiot).
Thou shalt keep thy mouth closed when chewing gum.
Thou shalt keep thy idiot children under control at all times.
If thou art a tourist, stay out of the way.
Thou shalt not carry more purses than thou hast hands.
Thou shalt wear comfortable, efficient footware at all times while in the METRO system. Pack those 3 inch heels in a seperate bag.
Thou shalt NEVER wear flip-flops while commuting no matter how stylish.
Thou shalt always observe the "wall proximity rule." If the other person is walking inches away from a wall, and you encounter them in a hallway approaching from the other direction, never attempt to cut between them and the wall. There's no space. (duh)
Thou shalt never stop dead in your tracks in the midst of rush hour or any traffic flow. Step to the side before digging through your bag.
Thou shalt always carry your umbrella above the eye level of others.
Thou shalt never hog the awning space if thou art equipped with an umbrella. Unprotected travellers get first dibs on shelter.
Thou shalt not shout or carry on conversations across the laps or shoulders of other seated passengers.
Thou shalt not extend your arm behind a seated passenger who is unknown to you.
Thou shalt not press your butt into the personal head space of seated passengers when boarding or exiting the vehicle.
Thou shalt understand in advance which buses are express and which are local. No whining or pleas for sympathy if you screw it up.
Thou shalt not make presumption to the fast lane if thou art slow.
Thou shalt not drift into oncoming passenger traffic.
Thou shalt attempt to walk down escalators if able-bodied during peak periods.
Thou shalt not ever block travellers who are running to catch a train or bus.
Thou shalt always be aware of thy surroundings.
Thou shalt apologize when making physical contact with other passengers greater than a light touch.
Thou shalt always move to the back of the elevator to make way for boarding passengers.
Thou shalt exit the elevator and make way for exiting passengers if thou art near the entrance but not exiting on that floor.
Thou shalt always make way for passengers exiting an elevator before moving to board.
Thou shalt never hold the elevator door if the car is full or has already been delayed for more than 30 seconds.
Thou shalt never hold the elevator door to continue a conversation. Exit or call their cell phone.
Thou shalt never use a cell phone in an elevator. All passengers using cell phones in elevators are subject to having their organs harvested by the other passengers.
Thou shalt not use the elevator to travel only one floor up or two floors down unless transporting bulky objects or personally disabled.
Thou shalt not stand in the middle of traffic.
Thou shalt not charge into oncoming passenger traffic in order to avoid walking over subway air vents.
Thou shalt watch where thou art going at all times.
Thou shalt stay to the right at all times except to pass.
Thou shalt not pimp walk, sashay or waddle.
Thou shalt not block the top of the escalator with your pathetic attempts to beg, play music, or sell stolen goods.
Thou shalt not walk against the flow of traffic during rush hour escalator/staircase reductions in the METRO system.
Thou shalt move thy bag out of the right hand flow of traffic on escalators and place it in front or behind you.
Thou shalt not allow thy shoulder bags to drift out of your personal space and into the flow of traffic.
Thou shalt carry thy bag off thy shoulder and in front when on crowded escalators.
Thou shalt not swing thy bag into the personal space of other passengers when moving it onto or off of your shoulder.
Thou shalt wear deodorant commensurate to the amount of sweat you will produce that day.
Thou shalt not wear fragrances that can be smelled more than one person length away.
Thou shalt not wear earrings that swing far enough from your head to hit other passengers during sudden train stops.
Thou shalt not wear pants that drag on the ground and impede thy ability to walk.
Thou shalt not wear thy ballcap so low on thy brow that you cannot see in front of you.
Thou shalt direct thy breathing away from the exposed skin of other passengers.
Thou shalt injest breath fresheners after consuming caffine if travelling during peak periods.
Thou shalt grip lower handholds if thou hast obvious sweat stained armpits.
Thou shalt not wipe sweat with the same hand that thou usest to grip handholds.
Thou shalt sit upright and keep legs out of the main aisle. It's a bus or metro seat, not a barcalounger.
Thou shalt not infringe upon the leg opening space of other men by opening thy own legs excessively.
Thou shalt never cross thy legs at the knee if next to another passenger.
Thou shalt not sit and lean into the seat space of other passengers.
Thou shalt keep thy elbows in when sitting next to another passenger.
Thou shalt not step forward and block someone walking along the edge of a METRO platform, or worse, press them closer to the edge.
Thou shalt always make way for the blind AND their guide dogs.
Thou shalt never allow thyself to sprawl into a neighboring and unoccupied seat.
Thou shalt not have emotional meltdowns on the bus.
Thou shalt not panhandle or contribute to panhandlers in the METRO.
Thou shalt not carry coffee (or any food - duh!) in the METRO system.
Someone shoot me before I start drifting into this category! No matter what happens, you will never find me wearing Birkenstocks or shopping at an organic co-op. Kudos to curmudgeonry for the link. posted at 6:29 PM
The Vatican
I haven't been to Mass in several months now. The thought my attendance in any fashion might give comfort or a morale boost to those monsters in the Church who support pedophilia (whether the priest is gay or straight) just really drives a stake through my heart. Lately, I've been feeling like I should drop back in, check things out, see what's going on when I come across this. If the National Catholic Reporter is covering anti-semitism at the Vatican, imagine how much worse the reality must be without this layer of gloss. (Don't get me started on the photos of Cardinal's raising arms triumphantly with Arafat while the Israeli's are mourning the latest round of suicide bombings.)
I just wonder sometimes if the Church is making these blunders on purpose. Is this a test? Did God tell you to kick start Armageddon early by forcing half the believing world into a massive crisis of faith?
I remember being temporarily shaken several months ago when my confessor priest warned that I was a blasphemous, borderline heretic. Looking back on that episode I just have to laugh. My sins are minor compared to some of these morally bankrupt monsters. posted at 6:18 PM
The DC Job Fair
As expected there were hordes of unemployed and underemployed people flocking to our booth at the DC Job Fair. All I have to say is: I'll never feel anxious about my employment opportunities again. There may not be openings in the fields or companies that I want, but I am wayyyy better at presenting myself than 90% of these people...even with my withered social skills. It would be too painful to tell you about the various sob stories I heard. All of them had a common theme: the person needed therapy, not a new job.
I really enjoy meeting the unwashed public. I always end up feeling so much better about myself. posted at 5:37 PM
Did you ever notice how much better you look in some mirrors than others? The mirror in your bathroom may reflect back an image of yourself you don't wholly approve of, while the restroom mirror at a local restaurant may prompt you to exclaim, "That's exactly how I imagine myself" or "I had forgotten how attractive I am." Just as some mirrors bring out the best in you while others reflect the worst, the same is true about people and situations: Some have a seemingly magical power to accentuate the finest sides of your personality, while others exaggerate qualities you'd prefer to disown. I bring this up because it's now crucial to surround yourself with the very best mirrors. posted at 5:24 PM
It's Like A Train Wreck
This has got to be a joke. I can't imagine that anyone would discuss their maritial discord on the web and then link to their husband's weblog where he is also discussing the exact same issues. Why not just cut out the middle man and talk face-to-face or invest in a therapist?
I must admit I found these diaries strangely compelling in much the same way that, when I'm staying home with a fever, I discover that only soap operas truly understand the human condition.
Who knows, maybe there's a crazed, obsessive (Lisa) out there right now who is writing page after page about me. posted at 12:36 PM
More Humor
(It is obviously my day to catch up on posting.)
while driving...
Her: What do those signs mean "Litter pick-up sponsored by so-and-so?
Me: In California, companies often "adopt" a section of the freeway and pick up the garbage. It's kind of a publicity/community-service thing...
Her: Oh! So this is a great place to throw our trash out the window, 'cause Cisco's got it handled
Me: What?! No! Just becau...well waitaminute, hmmmm
(Thanks to Hi-De-Ho for brightening our day. Stolen shamlessly but linked back.)
If you bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. If you bought $1000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer then traded in the cans at a redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00. Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
4. Zippo Mfg, Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge to become ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become FairwellHoneychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Organization of Women will become Knott NOW! posted at 11:37 AM
Today's Ephemera
"On the web, everyone is famous to fifteen people." - David Weinberger
Need to get rid of an annoying suitor/ette at a local pick-up joint? Give them this number: 310-495-5412. It's the rejection line. If you have the funds, it's a hoot and worth a call. Thank you to What On Earth for the tip.
Interesting article about an on-line bulletin board discussing a crooked business at Halley's Comment. Look for the article that begins "Please..." Interesting first ammendment issue stuff.
Info from the Petroleum Equipment Institute on how static electricity is causing fires while pumping gas. Statistically seems to happen to women more than men. Details found at "Stop Static". posted at 11:32 AM
Greek Terrorism Round-Up
If you're interested in reading more about the 17 November terrorist group in Greece and the recent events surrounding their capture, there appears to be some good blow-by-blowhere.
If you don't know anything about the group but want to be informed on terrorism in general, you can use this as your starting point. posted at 11:09 AM
Dogs in West Virginia
There's a great deal of debate on how much dogs should be pampered. Pet extremists want to be buried with their pets and think that they should have rights in court. (Look it up, it's true!) On the other side of the issue, we have West Virginia.
I found out that the latest craze in WV is dog swapping. That's where you take a pack of your dogs to the local swap mart and trade them like playing cards. I happened to see one such "winner" on the drive back. It was raining and the dog was tied by a thick rope to a tool box on the back of an open flat bed truck. One bump or swerve and it would have either had it's neck snapped or been dragged to death behind the truck.
If it's raining and you have to transport the dog but can't keep it in the vehicle, the very least you can do is make certain that there are some sort of guard rails along the side so the dog doesn't just slide off or fall into traffic after hitting a pothole.
My room at the Super-8 in Charleston, West Virginia came with a "Guest Essentials" packet which I thought would contain soap, shampoo, etc. Instead, it contained the following: Immodium Advanced (for diarhea and gas), Pepcid Complete (for acid indigestion and acid reflux), and Tylenol PM (for pain and sleeplessness).
I may not be in the best condition, but at least I don't need to be medicated three ways to Sunday before being able to sleep at night. I thought my eating habits were bad. What is the average Super-8 customer consuming? (Hint: might have something to do with a McDonald's superpass.)
While I was driving through West Virginia, aside from the live broadcast from the Redneck Olympics (don't ask) at some local county fair, I heard an ad for a new drug called "Blissium." It promised to take away all my cares and worries and to make every day seem wonderful.
It sounded suspiciously like soma -- which I've just learned is an actual brand name, irony free drug that you can now buy online.
I've done a google search and can't find any details about Blissium or its manufacturer. I'm curious not because I want to be medicated but because I'm stunned at the gall of any company that would produce a mood altering drug, name it "blissium", and not perceive any irony.
If you find anything, just pop a note into the comments section below. posted at 10:50 AM
Mammoth Cave, KY
The only thing worth stopping to see in Kentucky, Mammoth Cave, in an era of overhype, refreshingly lives up to its name. I plan on eventually going back for a longer tour. There are a variety of tours to suit your taste, exercise, and claustraphobia levels. And for a hot summer day, nothing beats a 55 degree dark hole in the ground.
Because of my tight timetable, I couldn't wait 2 hours for the 2 hour tour and opted for the short self-guided one. The entrance to the cave was guarded by a park ranger with a degree in mythology who boasted of having written 30-page papers on Darth Vader. So for those of you out there considering a degree in mythology, now you know where you're marketable education will take you: short khaki pants and a field hat guarding a hole in the ground.
The most difficult part of the self-directed tour was putting enough space between myself and the other tourists in order to enjoy the absolute silence of the cave. There must be something in the back of our monkey brains that makes most people react to looming silence and dark caverns by chittering as loudly as possible. A survival trait perhaps to keep from getting seperated from the rest of the tribe.
I felt bad for the park rangers in the cave who had to stand in the gloom for hours on end waiting for tourists to come by just so they could have someone to talk to. I guess if you get a B-average or below in mythology they make you work the underground side of the attraction.
At the farthest point of the self-guided tour, I'm standing behind a rope barrier staring into the depths of the cave which continues on for several more miles. Complete silence. No light except for dim footlights 25 yards back. And I thought to myself: "This is where evil lives." Which is ridiculous because it's obvious that real evil lives above ground in places like the Gaza Strip and Riyadh. I was just projecting my understanding of evil outward and onto the darkness. And I'm completely comfortable with that. If we can dump nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain, Nevada, I'm happy to stuff evil into the empty limestone tunnels of Mammoth Cave. I'm sure there's a particularly elaborate psychological term for what I was doing but all I know is that if I ever start to have nightmares again, they're going to be of Mammoth Cave.
Despite that, I highly recommend a visit. You should go. Nietzsche said that when you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares back into you. Who knows, you might come back with something better than a postcard....
After leaving that park, I drove past the normal collection of tourist traps but slammed on my brakes when I reached the Golgotha Fun Park. I couldn't believe my eyes; two words that should really not be together in the same sentence let alone a vacation destination. I didn't have time to stop but plenty of photographs are posted here. posted at 10:21 AM
Bo Duke's Startling Secret Revealed!
I was driving to downtown Lexington to be disappointed by its lake of nightlife when I heard on the radio that John Schneider, of Bo Duke and Dukes of Hazzard fame, was going to announce a shocking secret on Larry King Live later that night.
The commercial was followed by a monologue by the DJ who echoed my thoughts. "Uh Oh, I wonder if it's that. (And we all know what that is.
I tuned in at 3am the next morning to catch the rerun and found out that Bo's "deep, dark secret" his "startling confession" was that he was overweight as a child. At that point, several thoughts went through my head in no particular order.
1. Only someone who lives in Hollywood or California would consider it a "deep, dark secret" that they were overweight as a child. The rest of us, who actually went through high school instead of spending all our time tap-dancing in front of stogie-sucking pedophile talent scouts, all went through what is euphemistically known as "an awkward phase."
2. If you're currently starring in a mid-hit TV show on the WB like "Smallville," how out of touch do you have to be with your own career to stage a publicity stunt like this WHEN YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING PLENTY OF PUBLICITY.
3. Larry King's marketing department is clearly out of it's mind and desperate for summer viewers if they've sunk to this type of tactic. I don't expect Larry's show to last much more beyond his quintuple bypass and 8th marriage.
4. Driving affords me the opportunity to obsess about mundane events like this to a degree that is clearly not healthy. posted at 9:38 AM
Worth One Or Two Visits
Drive-Thru.org I particularly liked today's essay on the laws of TV reruns but then again, I'm easily amused. posted at 9:23 AM
Latest Google Whacking Winner
I'm no longer playing the game, I just come across these randomly:
"Free Martha Stewart, apron"
The search brings up a porn site. Scary. posted at 9:22 AM
McDonald's Rule Post #2
The McDonald's in Gary, Indiana comes equipped with a speedpass feature.
I will be the first to admit that I eat at Mickey-D's way too often. Mostly because I'm trying to save money for things like 'gas' and 'lodging' when driving across country. But there is something inherently wrong with people who eat at McDonald's so often that they merit their own speedpass. It's obviously not just one or two random people in Gary - it's at least 100 or more.
I am adamantly opposed to legislation taxing people or jacking up their health insurance based on what they eat. But I think anyone who gets wheeled into the emergency room complaining of chest pains with a McDonald's speedpass clipped to their belt deserves a reality slap. posted at 8:43 AM
The McDonald's rules
I will really have to make a separate blog just for my rants about McDonald's, but in the meantime, here goes.
Frank's McDonald's Rule #1015: If you are paying $5 or less for your meal, you don't get to be that picky about it. You can ask to hold pickles or add cheese, for less ice or extra napkins, but that's it. Unlike today's customer who attempted to call back to all the food service employees and instruct them how he wanted his stack of 2 pancakes assembled, his input on how the sausage patty grease should touch the pancakes but not the eggs, and other assorted instructions. Worse, he had 10/10 vision and was able to read the nametags of all the female food handlers and call them by name along with positive affirmations on their natural ass-ets. posted at 8:39 AM
Blessings of the Universe go to...
Jess! For solving my centering problem! In a very Frank-like move, a piece of code just up and left my blog and disappeared for parts and reasons unknown. It is now back and will have its self-esteem shreded through scathing mockery by the loyalist 5th column of remaining code.
The report is now back up and running at full capacity. It no longer pains me to look at the page and reports will continue. (BTW, if you're looking for a freelance web-designer qua college student, Jess is your woman!) posted at 8:35 AM
Thursday, July 18, 2002
Kentucky Post Script
I had a brief conversation with a Kentucky horse farmer while waiting for my beer at a local bar. One thing that really pisses me off: if you're going to brag about how you're a multi-million dollar horse trader who sells to moviestars like Shatner and Streisand, then you can afford to tip your bartender more than .25 cents.
I'm not flush, but even I was tossing $1-$2 tips.
So if you're out for dinner or drinks with the Frank, tip at least 10%. posted at 1:29 PM
Kentucky Does Not Exist
The place known as "Kentucky" was last on my list of Continental states that I needed to visit. Just completed that goal so kudos to me. The recent cross-country drive really helped in that regard. The only state left that I need to visit is Alaska. And since getting there is e.x.p.e.n.s.i.v.e., might take awhile.
My theory is that Kentucky does not exist. Everything that falls under the heading "Kentucky" already exists somewhere else. At points, when I let my mind wander, I had to remind myself where I was because the stretches of road looked so much like similar stretches of road in Maryland, Alabama, Missouri, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Illinois, Ohio, Indiana...etc.
And you'd think for something that prides itself on being known as the bluegrass state, that they'd actually plant some BLUE GRASS along the highway. Now, I wasn't expecting glowing neon blue grass, but something with even a hint of a bluish tint - like an elderly woman's home done dye job - would have been nice. No blue grass. Plenty of DEAD grass, but no blue. All that dead grass kinda threw me for a loop, because let me tell ya the Kentucky/Tennessee/West Virginia area ain't hurtin for rain.
Lexington was a huge disappointment. It's a major college town and there's nothing there. Even more frustrating is that there weren't any stores where I could buy merchandise for Transylvania University, which has its campus in Lexington. That school is just begging to have it's name slapped all over hip t-shirts and ballcaps. But I guess they're wise to the joke and have decided that my tourist dollars aren't worth being turned into a laughing stock. Their loss. (Dare I violate copyright laws and have my own t-shirts and sweatshirts made?)
Louisville was equally boring although three times as large; a city seriously in need of its own identity. Everything was so bland, it was as if Louisville tried to emulate the best that every U.S. city had to offer and instead ended up with an inoffensive pablum that's not worth a visit.
Cincinnati (two hours north) was much more interesting, but I'll cover that in a later post.
I'm reminded of the quote from Star Trek IV: "Avoid the planet Earth at all costs. Farewell"
That's what I was saying when I crossed the bridge from Kentucky to West Virginia.
Avoid Kentucky At All Costs. Farewell. posted at 1:27 PM
West Virginia
The first thing you notice about West Virginia after you get past the "gosh, ain't it pretty" reaction is - it takes forever to get from point A to point B anywhere in the state. Highways do not go in a straight line. Streetlight timers are set to half the speed of their counterparts in all other cities. And going off the beaten track involves a lot of grabbing the steering wheel with both hands, yanking it all the way to the left and then yanking it all the way back to the right (lather, rinse, repeat).
Weather patterns change quickly there. Might have something to do with being way up there in the mountains. Although after having been out West, calling the Appalachians "mountains" is like calling the bi-monthly direct deposit into my bank account a "paycheck."
Curiously, I cut briefly through the tip of the Maryland panhandle on my drive through WV and the difference between the two states was as different as night and day. Whereas WV highways hug the undulating curves and dips of the landscape, Maryland just plows right through them in one terraformed straight line. God bless, the Maryland Highway Department. If there's one state that knows how to blow away biblical-sized chunks of earth in order to lay down a solid road, it's MD.
It was also curious to observe how something as simple as an invisible line on a map could have such a profound effect on the psychology of the residents of both states. Lawn care for instance. Marylanders won't have rusting cars in the front yard, and will put out kitschy-flamingo's and lawn gnomes with some forethought and, if such a thing can be said about lawn gnomes, style. West Virginians are more like Jackson Pollack -- they just throw junk on their property and call it "art."
I pulled into Huntington, West Virginia from Kentucky (don't get me started on Kentucky) and a line from Oklahoma started immediately running through my mind. It's from the song "Everything's Up To Date In Kansas City" and it goes "...they went and built a skyscraper seven stories high/about as high as a building ought to grow."
Huntington is a pretty squat river town but it's got this big-ass bank HQ smack in the center of downtown. The height is probably to give snipers an advantage as they fend off angry, unemployed rioting factory workers after the umpteenth bank foreclosure. The other thing Huntington has is lots of Mexican restauants. And not just lame Chi-Chi style chains, but honest to goodness, cockroaches in the cook pots, hole-in-the-wall local bodegas. I had what I thought would be a fairly safe shrimp and chicken plate that turned out to be laced with radioactive jalapeno's. Every time the waiter would come by to refill my ice tea, I noticed that my voice had dropped another half of an octave as the flesh was ripped from my throat by rice and beans. By the time I walked out of there, I sounded like a 70 year-old man who had been chain smoking and gargling whiskey for all of his adult life.
I ended up camping out overnight in Charleston because of a state-long traffic jam on one of the two north/south highways in the state. While I was there, I stopped off for a haircut in J.C.Penny's.
It was the best damn haircut I've had all year!!!!
So now I've got a real dillemma. I don't want to risk messing up my new "do" by having it cut locally, but I can't exactly justify driving 8-9 hours each way to a neighboring state just to get my hair shorn. Who would have thought? Penny's! West Virginia! Glam Capitol of the Appalaichians! posted at 12:59 PM
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Errors
Some of you may have noticed that the page is a bit...chaotic...today. Still working out the HTML kicks. Between that and work, I'm a bit distracted. Stand by. posted at 10:43 AM
Sunday, July 14, 2002
Another New Feature
Supposedly, if you click on the posting date underneath each entry it links to the post in question in the archives. If that makes sense to you, please feel free to explain it to me. The comments link still goes to its own thing. Still working on trying to discover why so many extra carriage returns are being inserted. posted at 6:46 PM
New Feature
As per Jimm's request (he of the frequent comment section posting) I have added a new feature on the top left-hand side of the Frank Report. If you would like links to open as new windows, simply click there and links, through the amazing automated powers of modern computing, will be opened as you command. posted at 6:18 PM
I have no idea why blogger is adding so many carriage returns before posting my daily entries. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. posted at 5:53 PM
I'm baack
Just returned from the Tennessee-Kentucky-West Virginia trip, officially completing one of my longer term goals (ie - see every state in the U.S.) For logistical reasons, I broke that up into two sub goals: see every state in the Continental United States....and then those other two. Currently Alaska is the only hold out and that's mainly because it's too darn far for even me to drive up and visit.
I will post more tomorrow. Tonight I must bathe, eat, sleep and do laundry. In that order. But to tide you over unti then, here's a tidbit: as a general rule of thumb if the car is green and in the left hand lane, the driver will be slower than all other cars on the road and will not move to the right. For anyone. posted at 5:50 PM
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