The new home of "The Frank Report."

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  So there I am in the gym, making my way back and forth between the leg press and leg extension machines while doing my thang, when I notice this guy occasionally making eye contact and smiling when he sees me grunting and huffing through my routine. Being all "roided out" like I was, I immediately got hostile thinking that he was trying to muscle in and upset my carefully choreographed routine. (I work out after 9pm specifically so I don't have to share my "toys" with other people.)

It wasn't until later while observing his behavior from the sublime serenity of the back extension machine that I realized that he's a sociable guy, talking and chatting with everyone around him. He was trying to engage me in conversation! I was prepared to leap on him and rip his jugular open with my woefully inadequate incisors rather than share the leg press machine.

Note to self: perspective - get some. Put on shopping list along with "relax" and "get over yourself."

PS - For those of you who aren't clear on the gear I'm referring to, here's a handy visual reference guide on leg exercises.

posted at 12:56 PM

  Last night my workout buddy and I did a leg routine that defies description. I won't bore you with the full details but basically it was something like 24 consecutive sets of 15/12/10 reps while increasing the weight for every 3rd set. Near the very end I was leg pressing 365 lbs 15 times wondering why my head felt blood engorged and about to pop off. My breath was ragged and I could barely stand, let alone walk.

And that was just the beginning of the workout.

Supposedly you can (should) only do this routine once a month. Anything more than that and you will either a) blow out your knees and every major muscle group below the waist and/or b) kill yourself to end the pain. So if you've noticed that my blog entries have withered away to practically nothing, it's because my life is now very boring consisting of nothing more than work/sleep/eat/shower/gym/chores. Everything else detracts from the pursuit of physical perfection.

On the plus side, I've lost 2% bodyfat and been told that there are very few people who can leg press 365 lbs....let alone press that much weight at the end of the workout after only having been training for 7-8 weeks. The down side is that I wanted smaller legs not bigger. No one in my circle seems to care. Their interest is in taking advantage of my natural leg strength to see just how far and how much I can toss around with them.

Did I mention that I almost had a panic attack while doing squats?

I've been doing some reading and supposedly emotions and mental trauma can sometimes be stored physically in the body as well as in memory. That's the only explanation that seems to make sense because doing squats turns me immediately into an emotional wreck. Everything else: endorphin rush central. Squats: blankie-clutching toddler wailing for momma.

In addition to the many dietary changes I'm making, (Vegetables. Every Day. Whod'a thunk it!) I'm now taking ephedrine-free Xenadrine EFX - ephedrine-free because my co-workers have expressed an interest in not having me drop dead of a heart attack at work. X-EFX are basically glorified caffeine pills using the oh-so-popular-and-trendy "green tea extracts" to make me (in the words of Edina Monsoon) "thin and gorgeous."

That's the other reason I'm doing these obscene leg workouts. Supposedly, bigger muscles burn more fat. The leg muscles are some of the largest in the body. Ergo, increasing their size increases my fat burning potential.

Now if only I could get my biceps to be as large as my calf muscles, I'd be a happy camper.

Have I mentioned how delicious power bars and slim fast shakes are? No. Really. Can't get enough of them. Soooooooo satisfying. (sarcasm off).

It's very strange to write at length about myself as if I were an old home undergoing renovation; very impersonal. I remember a time when I used to be thoughtful, interesting; involved in all kinds of nefarious hijinx. Now, I'm just a eat/sleep/exercise machine...

...with 2% less bodyfat!
posted at 12:49 PM