The new home of "The Frank Report."

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  Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, “That will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

posted at 11:27 AM

  I had my metabolism tested at the gym last night. It's one of those special-offer things that they push on people who work out all the time (like yours truly) but aren't making good progress (like yours truly).

My metabolism is burning 2650 calories a day; higher than the staffer who tested me. He then checked/reviewed my average daily caloric intake: 1500. He then summoned multiple staffers in so that I could tell them how many calories I eat on any given day.

Me: "1500"
Them: "No WAY! Don't you feel tired? Don't you get hungry?"
Me: "Not really"
Them: "No WAY!"

After all kinds of mystical, kabbalistic calculations, the staffer determined that I'm gaining weight because a) I'm not doing enough cardio and b) my body thinks I'm on the verge of starving to death and so it's hording every calorie I eat as fat - waiting for that big ice age that's just around the corner.

His recommendation? Eat more.
No problem, say I. How much more?
His answer: 3000 calories a day.
Hmmm....,I say. Can you sketch that out for me in real food?

Fitness guy then whips out a handy chart and proceeds to show me that I should be eating 6 times a day (not four) and that breakfast should consist of an apple, 1.5 cups of oatmeal, and 10 egg whites.
A _SNACK_ two hours later of a baked potato and chicken breast. A _LUNCH_ two hours later of 2 cups of rice, another chicken breast, and two servings of vegetables, etc. etc. etc.

I have officially entered the twilight zone. In order to lose weight, I must eat more. Not only that, but I have to eat like JW - carefully planned, regimented, nutritionally balanced - and in epic quantities. This is my nightmare. I barely cook as it is. I can't imagine doubling or tripling the amount that I have to cook (prepare, pack, shop for, pay for, do dishes, etc.) Add into that 3 extra hours of cardio per week!

Loopy and JW are wandering around dreaming of food. I've been given the green light to eat as much as they might want and it horrifies me. For lunch today I had a huge salad and ice tea, all the while obsessing: "I should add a bannana to this. I need more protein. Remember to eat another meal in two hours."

Why can't I be bulemic like all the pretty people?

posted at 11:25 AM

  For the past two years I've been maintaining scrap books - both hard copy and electronic. Things appear and disappear so rapidly in the Information Age that if you see a picture or article you like and don't grab it immediately, chance are google notwithstanding, it will soon disappear. That's why as soon as I see something that strikes my fancy, I grab it and store it immediately. To avoid pack-rat status, I go through my collection periodically and cull out items which were passing fancies (fortune cookie fortunes etc.) from things that I want to carry around with me for the next 100 years (electronic graphics and photographs, articles from obscure journals explaining the issues of the day, etc.)

If my brain chemistry tips even slightly in the years to come, I'll end up like one of those crazy old women who turns up dead nibbled to death by her 35 cats.

The trick is to cull the collection periodically, otherwise you end up with too much junk. Todd Gitlin in his book "Media Unlimited" describes this as one of the five basic strategies that people use to cope with the torrent of information that makes up modern life. Some people, like me, deal with the flow by trying to preserve key pieces. Others by immersing themselves 100% or not at all. According to Gitlin (and I agree) all these strategies are ultimately futile. (read the book)

The reason (long story) I started the collection is because of my fear of death which I attempt to hold at bay by preserving an archival record of my life and interests. On the upside, I no longer wake up drenched in sweat wondering if my life has meaning. On the downside, I look like a younger version of a crazy old man, sitting at the bus stop clipping articles out of the newspaper and hording them in my little folder.

The point is: if you see something online that you like - grab it and save it. It won't be there for long. Even if it remains in Google's archives for awhile, it will eventually get flushed. It's easier to grab now, than to try and go back months later and find that one particular graphic that caught your eye.

posted at 11:24 AM

  So there I am down at the ring with another rider, warming up our horses and waiting for class to start, when the other horse drops to the ground and rolls over on its rider. I immediately go running over to see if she's dead (she's not, just a sprained ankle). Meanwhile, the other horse starts running madly around the ring with its rains training between its front legs (a huge no-no). So I go running toward the other horse to calm him down and to keep my horse from spooking.

Freaked, I tell you. I was freaked. The other instructors and rider pretend like this sort of thing happens all the time. I'll tell you what, if some 900 pound horse tries to go mano-a-mano with me, I will beat his ass. I don't care who his owner is.

Other than that, the lesson went extremely well. I can canter (moderately fast) really well. Reason being, if you panic, the horse will go faster, so I just relax as much as possible and hold on. Everyone says I have the best seat at the cantor that they've seen. (That's horsey talk for I bounce up and down real nice and smooth).

One of our exercises was to put our feet up on the saddle horn and ride at the trot. The only thing holding me on that saddle was the crack of my ass. Not fun. Try having a horse spine rammed up and down your butt at a good speed. It's not as porn-glamorous as it sounds. It did help me realize why I'm so exhausted at the end of every lesson: my pelvic bones are being stretched for an hour plus - and not in a good way. Takes alot out of a man.

We also worked on riding in formation - rodeo style. That was way fun. I'm continually amazed with how little riding I do that I'm as good as I am. Most of my fellow riders do 3 sessions a week.

posted at 11:23 AM

  I'm starting to meet lots of interesting people, potential friends, only to discover midway through the intimacy process that they are (by my standards) nuts. For example, they confess that they have personal conversations with the dead, or that Jews control the government. Of the remaining candidates, many of them are friends with such scumbags that I can't really respect them especially when they gush about their "totally cool" friend "the coke dealer." I don't try to judge too harshly because we all interact socially with people who we're polite to but not on close terms with. (In DC it's the Dem vs. Repub and Repb vs. Dem dillema.) This is the point in the entry where I write game-related examples over and over and then delete them. Short version: I find lots of gamers who are friends with scum. Life is short and I'm alot more discerning these days.

Basically I end up second guessing myself: if I find the best friend of the arsonist interesting, what does that say about my own ethical standards? Am I tainted by running with this crowd? The good news is that once my mental dialogue shifts towards "what an interesting and DRAMATIC person" my inner referee throws a yellow flag and I'm escorted from the field/bar/bedroom/party.

Went shopping this week for an upcoming date. Spent two bleary hours in Macy's combing through the sales racks like an archaeologist through a desert. Walked away with a $90 pair of DKNY slacks for $16. The counter boy almost refused to ring them up he was so heartbroken. They were, you see, in his size and exactly what he had been looking for. (His little pitty-me routine got no traction. If you work in the f*cking store, you're an idiot if you haven't combed the racks for yourself during the day and closing hours.) Oh and I picked up 8 designer dress shirts for $120.

My loathing for leg days at the gym is approaching the level of a full blown phobia. I can bench press or leg press until my heart explodes out of my chest but strap me into a squat rack and I'm near to tears. Yesterday I did 60 step-ups with dumbells followed by 40 walking lunges with dummbells. I'm nauseus and twitching just thinking about it.

If I had a heart left to break, I'd be heartbroken by all the attractive and interesting people I'm meeting who turn out to be either bad people or bad people for me.

posted at 11:22 AM

  I wish I had the energy of the lesbian across the street. Right now, despite her extreme allergies, she's down on her knees hand weeding her garden. She works overtime regularly, dates like a fiend, goes on adventures every weekend and spends her night rebuilding her home. (Just an aside, I don't know the names of any of my neighbors. I just categorize them by quirks.)

I know there's a fitness craze on, but when the heck did guys start getting so HUGE? In Ireland the majority of men are lean and fit. Here every guy at the IHOP looks like they're on steroids. I may need to hook up an intravenous protein shake drip if I'm going to put on any muscle mass.

posted at 11:20 AM

  "Friday afternoon, I had the distinct displeasure, to put it mildly, of watching a guy pick his toes!! in the Starbucks on the Santa Monica Promenade. This was not a homeless wacko, but a middle-aged, grey-bearded chunko white guy wearing flip-flops, accompanied a zaftig, ponytailed J.Crew-schlumpy girlfriend; herself in dirty white flip-flops. The girlfriend was getting coffee when I marched over and told the guy, “I’m not one to do this -- just go speak to strangers in public places...” (okay, so that’s, perhaps, the lie of the century), “but you need to stop picking your toes RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!” He did stop (picking dead skin off his toes)...and, from then on, just resorted to...ugh...fondling his toes a little -- like he was simply dying to get back to picking them. He was still toe-fondling right in my my eyeline, so I changed tables....
(Kudos to Amy Alkon)

posted at 11:16 AM

  Time for me to pay off my karma debt. The dogs have all contracted scabies - tiny mite like critters like cooties that make their hair fall out. Certain forms of scabies are easily transferrable to humans.

I'm itchy. I've got cooties.

It will take two weeks until the medicine kicks in and the dog scabies go away. There's no reason to treat myself until then because the dogs would just keep reinfecting me. Given the choice, I prefer fleas to scabies. With fleas, you can just dunk the dogs in the tub and give them a one-shot critter killer shampoo. These buggers burrow and lurk.

Creeped out yet, dear reader? I am.

A swank LA/NYC-style steak house just opened next to my office. It includes a bar area on a platform over a zen-garden lagoon. I'll be treating myself to a very expensive steak luncheon (with drinks) on Friday to try and take my mind off things. (millions of little crawly things)

posted at 11:14 AM

  I realized my life had become unmanageable when I switched to driving to work instead of mass transit; paying $12/day in order to reclaim 1.5 extra hours of commute time. This morning my commute which normally takes an hour door-to-door, took 12 minutes. 12 minutes!!!! For DC during rush hour, that's unheard of.

You know you're getting old when little things like shaving time off your commute become the highlight of your day.

At the gym my quest continues to zero in on the fine line between workouts that leave me energized, wasted, or under challenged. Last night (with the help of a friend) I tried a new maneuver. Kneel on the floor with a spotter holding your ankles and lower legs. Cross your arms over your chest and lean forward. Before you reach the point where you fall over, pull back into the upright position using only your hamstrings. It is insanely difficult.

Now that I no longer wear a tie to work, DC humidity rarely bothers me. This city (especially with a 12 minute commute) can be glorious in the summer.
posted at 11:14 AM

  Article Here
posted at 11:13 AM

  Shamelessly stolen from Balkanization
posted at 11:11 AM

  Went out to a swank restaurant for a $60 lunch today. I've never spent $60 on my own lunch before. Our table came with a team of waiters: one guy for bread, one for water, one for drinks, one for general service and one assistant manager on standby "as needed." Wow! I could seriously get used to that.

The wine list came on an electronic touch pad. The menu's were glass coated and put into metal blocks mounted on the table top for our review (no touching required). And of course we had great fun mentally playing "who's screwing their intern" and "that's not your wife, who is that woman?" with the clinetele.

I'm trying to expand my comfort zone on "class consciousness" issues.

Yesterday was a booloo good night at the gym. My shoulders are (by my standards) ripped. Assuming I can melt the fat from the rest of my body, I've got some serious muscle waiting to be shown. (Satan, thy name is cardio!)

That's all for right now.

posted at 11:11 AM

  Another "first" at the ring yesterday - my first emergency dismount from a runaway horse. One of the instructors handed me a crop which spooked the horse, and I had to make some emergency turns in order to avoid running into other students. Then while Sparky was getting ready to jump some hurdles (not at my urging), I lost control of the reins and one of my feet slipped out of the stirrups. I managed to jump and roll from him at full canter. My hand and pride are sore but that's about the worst of it.

The cardio equipment at the gym is the perfect metaphor for my life right now: climbing stairs that go nowhere; riding bikes that go nowhere - just round and round and round.

posted at 11:10 AM

  Here's the basic course: Everyone has a six-pack already. That's the way the abdominal muscles look by their very nature. Two things conspire to hide the six pack from view - fat and lack of exercise. Ab exercises will increase the size of the muscles and make them stand out. Cardio will reduce the fat covering the abs (and other parts) to reveal the result of all your hard work. It takes both. (Diet too, natch.)

I use the legendary abs program (available through amazon and local bookstores) and would recommend it to anyone. It takes a little while to build up the basic strength necessary to move up to the harder moves so be patient. I can say that with just two months of going back on an ab program my abs are rock hard - buried under layers of fat sadly - but rock hard. So what you see in the TV commercials is partially true. At just 5 minutes a day or (15 minutes a day/3x a week) you too can have rock hard abs. Want to show those abs off? 45 minutes of cardio 5 times a week. It's a devilish paradox. (Note: these ab routines don't apply to pregnant LJ'ers for obvious reasons.)

For more information, check out:
http://www.mensfitness.com/training/workout/5
http://www.timbomb.net/ab/ab.faq.html
http://buffaluphagusbodybuilding.freehomepage.com/Pages/abs.htm

posted at 11:09 AM

  From "Legendary Abs" speeds in parentheses slow (s) 1 rep every 2 seconds, medium (m) 1 rep every seconds, fast (f) 2 reps every second

Level A - 15 lying leg thrusts (m), 25 quarter sit-ups (s), 10 second rest, 10 lying leg thrusts (m), 20 quarter sit-ups (m)

Level 1 - 25 lying leg thrusts (m), 15 second rest, 20 lying leg thrusts (m), 25 crunches (s), 10 quarter sit-ups (f)

Level 2 - 10 hang knee-ups (m), 15 second rest, 8 hang knee-ups (m), 25 crunches (s), 15 second rest, 20 crunches (f)

Level 3 - 15 hang knee-ups, 15 second rest, 10 hang knee-ups, 15 lying leg-thrusts (s), 20 crunches (m), 10 quarter sit-ups

It continues on from there in harder variations.
posted at 11:08 AM

  The best revenge against bad hotel service that I've ever seen. Check it out.
posted at 11:07 AM

  "How To Become An Alpha Male in 18 Easy Lessons"
posted at 11:06 AM

  In DC, the air temperature in the METRO stations can often seem to be higher than the air temperature out on the street. I've done all the research I can online to find the solution to this puzzle (physics is not my forte). If there's anyone who thinks they know the answer or has access to a brain larger than mind (c'est ne pas possible!) feel free to post the solution in the comments section.

In other news, I am now *very* well versed in the air flow dynamics of cave systems, dispersal concerns for bio agents in subway systems, and fire control measures in underground environments.
posted at 11:05 AM

  Stalin vs. Hitler, a comic book...in Russian...with English subtitles

posted at 11:05 AM

  Alabama Supreme Court Rules That Cthulu Monument Must Be Removed From Courthouse
posted at 11:04 AM

  Amy Alkin, Advice Goddess
posted at 11:03 AM